I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
incredible book dedication
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday