Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.