I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
how long have you had this for?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.