He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.