[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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choose your gary
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Wake me when AI does housework
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.