You Might Also Like
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever