Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.