I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Found the job I’m suited for
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.