If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’m not proud
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Duolingo getting serious.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.