Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Cannot stop laughing at this
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.