[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.