My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
this is uni
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.