I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.