The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
HOW DARE YOU
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.