Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
congratulations to them
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.