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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
i actually laughed 😩