Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes