My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Was it something I said?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go