I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?