My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Who.
Did.
This?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.