My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
vegan witches, happy halloween!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat