Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.