my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
You Might Also Like
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!