My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”