when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.