The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
You Might Also Like
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
scrabbled eggs
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket