Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.