My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Come back with a warrant
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m too immature for adultery.