COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?