I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*seductively eats two tums*
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.