CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Noted.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m sure it’s fine.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?