day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Not recommended for beginners.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
lmao
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on