Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee