“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
it was a valiant fight
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.