First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
my astrological sign is a french fry
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things