I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.