They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
sigh
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving