I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Always a metermaid never a meter
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Have kids, they said
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”