We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.