How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”