Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.