[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.