Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
lmao
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
my proudest tweet
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.