Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
never compromise your values
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl