Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You Might Also Like
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE