me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
All excellent questions
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.