Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
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“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
at ease…shoulder.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.