Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Bond. Trauma bond.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Feels
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
CUTE CAT‼︎
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok