[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Can Happiness buy money?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
We cut our bangs at dawn.