I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool